Demolition Dredd

Last night, I feasted my eyes on some Sylvester classics.  On the menu: Judge Dredd and Demolition Man.  

First up, I watched Judge Dredd at the recommendation of my friend Jared because "it's the worst."  This was confirmed quickly with the opening credits when I saw Rob Schneider's name among the cast.  Even better, I found out soon that his character's name was Fergie.  The greatness didn't stop there.  In the first main action scene, set at some point in the distant future, Stallone's character employs his voice-activated ammunition.  His weapon of choice: "the double whammy."  This gem of a screenplay was apparently written by a seven year old boy.  Immediately after that action scene ended, Judge Joseph Dredd is discussing his past with Diane Lane's character, Judge Hershey.  (That's right, Diane Lane.)  Hershey asks Dredd about his emotional reaction to a situation and he responds eloquently: "Emotions - there ought to be a law against them."  Around this point, Jared also informed me that Dredd's armor was designed by Gianni Versace.  Nothing but the best for my boy.  

As the plot develops, we learn that Dredd was a genetically engineered super-human, one of two brothers.  A mishap turned his brother Rico evil, though.  In a Con Air-esque delight, the wrongly convicted Fergie and Dredd are being transported with a plane full of other convicts to the Aspen Penal Colony when a freak accident crashes the plane.  The lone survivors, Fergie and Dredd, are then kidnapped by cannibalistic pirates.  

The action culminates with the inevitable duel between brothers Joseph and Rico who chose the head of the half-destroyed Statue of Liberty to stage their showdown.  Fantastic set design.  

Let's not forget costumes though.  Stallone sported blatantly fake tattoos and weird blue contacts.  I have nothing else to say about the movie. 

I had no idea what to expect from Demolition Man, but I was pleasantly surprised to learn that it also took place in a freaky future.  The film was released in 1993 and opens with a world in utter chaos in the distant future of... 1996.  Wesley Snipes and Sylvester Stallone are both convicted of crimes.  Their sentence: to be cryogenically frozen for seventy years.  

Wait, what?  

Yes.  

Snipes' atrocious bleached blond hair somehow survives the freezing process until he is thawed out early to complete a mission.  Stallone's character is then thawed out for the purpose of catching Snipes.  Oh, and Snipes is wearing a denim overall jumpsuit.  

1993 had pretty interesting ideas for what the future held in store - apparently all forms of physical contact are out of the question, as are any excitement or spontaneity.  Instead, people are fined for profanity, licenses are required for pregnancy, and people greet each other with a strange wave and the salutation "mellow greetings."  

Other delights included Snipes dropping a Rambo reference, the duet of Sandra Bullock and Benjamin Bratt years before Miss Congeniality, a Jesse Ventura appearance, and Rob Schneider.  Again. 

The most entertaining nugget for me, given recent events, was the enlightening revelation that Arnold Schwarzenegger will soon be president.  

The end.