Sometimes the littlest things can make me smile.  Today was not a good day.  I felt rotten as the allergy war wages on - my throat was raw and my students did not find this reason enough to behave.  In fact, they frustrated me so greatly that I developed an eye twitch.  An eye twitch!  Is that a joke?  When I said to one of my classes, "Oh my goodness!  You are making my eye twitch!", they thought it was a compliment.  Or an accomplishment.  It was neither.  I came home, though, and found the new Pottery Barn catalog in my mailbox.  I used to love Pottery Barn day.  It did ease my mood a little bit, but in light of some things going on right now, it seems quite wasteful to focus my attention, or money for that matter, on such vanity.  (Let's be honest, it is rarely my money.  I could never spend $399 on a wine bottle chandelier.  I will enjoy gazing adoringly at it though.)

So what things exactly are making me reexamine?  I suppose the obvious answer is Haiti, but for whatever reason, it has not had much of an impact on me.  I'm reluctant to share that, for fear of being perceived as heartless, but I'm trying to be honest.  In the spirit of honesty, the Haiti situation makes me more angry than it does anything else.  I remember hearing about Haiti when Bill Clinton was in office, but I was too young to really care what he was trying to do there.  Other than that, I was never aware of any efforts related to the country.  In 2005 I spent several weeks in the Dominican Republic, two of which I spent working near the Haitian border with refugees who had walked over to the D.R.  The only word that comes to mind when trying to describe their living conditions is "horrifying."  Haiti is, and has been for many years, the poorest country in the western hemisphere.  It frustrates me that seemingly no one cared to help them until they were hit by an earthquake.  I truly hope that this is a chance for the country to rebuild from ashes and start again fresh.  I hope that the rest of the world doesn't ignore them when another tragedy strikes elsewhere in the future.  

All that being said, the current Haiti situation has not made a serious impact on me.  I have found that my internal wiring is such that I do not respond to things until they are made real to me, until I see firsthand their results.  So while I may not be feeling the pain of this ailing country, I am seeing pain and suffering around me in other places.  Several people close to me are hurting right now as they deal with tough breakups and deaths in their families.  Thinking about those situations puts my frustration in perspective. I'd gladly deal with an eye twitch, given the alternative.  

The truth is, this year (school year) has been painful.  I have spent months wondering what the point is, bawling/screaming/venting on the phone to my parents, and ultimately coming up with no answers.  Obviously everyone has times in life that are rough, but you think about what you're learning or suffering for or how it's making you a better person, and you suck it up and deal with it.  I think that's why I've had such a hard time this year.  It has felt futile to me.  I haven't felt like I am making a difference or that I am growing or learning anything from the experience.  Without a light at the end of the tunnel (other than summer vacation), I've done nothing but wallow in my own misery.  

Today, God showed me a glimpse of what he's doing in my life.  You see, I have this student that I'll call Annabelle.  Without going into much detail, Annabelle has experienced things that have led her not to trust any adults.  She is insecure and downright terrified of failing.  Since there are so many things she can't control, she has become controlling of the only thing over which she has any power: her behavior.  Annabelle will not do anything unless it is how she wants, when she wants.  And every. time. I feel like I've had a breakthrough with her, she shuts down again.  Guess what?  I'm Annabelle.

No, I haven't experienced nearly the pain that Annabelle has in her short life.  But I most certainly am terrified of failing, and I run away from God over and over and over again.  I shut down every time things don't go my way.  Last year, I had a class that I will never forget as long as I live.  We're talking the quirkiest thirty individuals who somehow all got along perfectly and created moments of creativity and entertainment and just overall greatness.  I continue to love each of them and credit God often with choosing each of those thirty students specifically for that class.  I cannot describe how much he blessed me through being their teacher.  So why do I feel that this year is any different?  Did God suddenly decide to just wing it or let Fate spin her wheel instead and give me random students?  I don't think so.  If I'm going to credit God with one, then don't I have to credit him with the other?  Shoot.  That means that he did put those students in my class for a reason and that he does have a purpose in that.  Wow.

I feel like I've just been vomiting words onto my screen, and I don't have the energy to edit this.  Hopefully it makes sense.  If not, well, most things that come out of my brain don't make sense.  I'll leave you with a few verses that restored some peace to my soul tonight.  

Galatians 5:22-23 "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law."

2 Chronicles 16:9 "For the eyes of the Lord move to and fro throughout the earth that He may strongly support those whose heart is completely His."

Psalm 94:18-19 "When I said 'My foot is slipping,' your love, O Lord, supported me.  When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul."